I found this posted on a message board I am a member of, and I thought it was hilarious so I wanted to share it with y’all.

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said:
“You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, ” pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
“Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.”
“One Cent?” the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:”How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to, “his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know,” she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work.”

I have been home in Munich for two weeks now. It has been a good time so far. There have been some downsides, but it was a really good decision for me to come here at this point. I have been doing a lot better, emotionally. I am not completely over him, but I’m getting there. I have been going through so many phases in the past four weeks, and I know I’m on the right way. It’ll probably take a few more weeks, but I’ll be fine. As for being friends, I’d still love that, but we’ll have to see how things go. I never was in this situation before, and I don’t know how well I will be able to handle it, and whether it will be awkward or something. I’m sure some of you can relate.

Tonight I saw Kelly Clarkson with my brother. It really rocked. She was only on stage for an hour, but that’s about what I was expecting, and she is an amazing singer - not just recorded but also live. I’m glad I went. My last concert was over a year ago when I saw 3 Doors Down in February 2005, and my last concert in Germany was actually almost three years ago (Lifehouse in June 2003). Wow! Concerts are such fun, but I don’t think I’ll ever the the type of person to go to concerts on a weekly (or even monthly) base.

I have spent most of my time here hanging out with friends, watching 24 (this season’s left me pretty much speechless so far), and working on my laptop. I had to take it in to be fixed, and they did clean the fan (but did not find the problem that was causing an error I have been getting regularly but sporadically for the past few months), and then I formatted the harddrive, and had to install everything again, you get the idea, it kept me busy for several hours. Tomorrow I am going to the movies with a few friends and then we’re going to eat at KFC (chicken, yummy!). I am also considering going to donate blood before the movie. I’ll see how that works out.

I have done some shopping since I’ve been here, but so far I’ve behaved pretty well, and all I got so far is one pair of shoes, a top, and a book. I really should leave it at that until I find a job. (I’m planning on finding one for the rest of the break and also for next semester, as my classes should leave me plenty of time to work.)

Of course I have done absolutely nothing for school yet, but I guess, we all saw that coming, right? Right now it’s about the last thing on my mind, and for a while that’s fine, but it has to change soon.

I am staying here for another week and some change. The plan is to go back to Heidelberg Friday next week. The weekend after that one, Tina is planning to visit, and the one after that, Julia wants to come visit in Heidelberg. I hope it all works out, as neither of them have actually visited me in Heidelberg, and I have lived there for a few years now, so it’s about time. April 20-22 I will be going to Berlin (with AJY), and May 5-7 I will be going to Osnabrück (family-related). I remember three weeks ago I thought this would be the longest and worst semester break, and sure, it’s not been too great, but time has been passing pretty quickly actually (it’s almost scary how life just goes on like that), and it’s not been that bad. I can honestly say, I have been having a good time being home, and seeing all my friends.

I hope everyone is having a good March! We already got a little taste of spring here the other day, and I hope it decides to come back and stay!